


Forget It (And Fall Again)

by Kashika



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Amnesia, Fluff, I might enjoy it a bit too much to make Seungri suffer, I'm trying not to use every damn cliché there is but so far I'm failing miserably, Inspired by "Bad Memories: DO NOT OPEN." from blinking_post, M/M, You know that really cliché stuff where one of them loses his memory, angsty, at least some in between
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-15
Updated: 2017-03-10
Packaged: 2018-09-24 17:52:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9777416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kashika/pseuds/Kashika
Summary: In which Youngbae loses his memories of the past three years because of a car crash, Seungri continues to be there for him despite everything and nothing feels quite right.Until it does.---------------Inspired from "Bad Memories: DO NOT OPEN." by blinking_post. (Which is why the beginning is very similar but I promise the continuation of the story will differ a lot) (Also an absolutely amazing TopRi fanfic so if you haven't read it already, GO READ!)





	1. Gone

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Nero](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nero/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Bad Memories: DO NOT OPEN.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7452286) by [blinking_post](https://archiveofourown.org/users/blinking_post/pseuds/blinking_post). 



> So for a fanfic I started simply because I wanted to write something down instead of going after plan from start to finish, this sure took a hell of a lot more time from me and turned out a hell of a lot longer than I intended it to be.
> 
> And because for once I thought "why not post some updates BEFORE you're finished with the complete monstrosity you're typing up" I decided to post the first chapter already. 
> 
> I really hope you like it and I wish you fun with reading!

Youngbae woke up and his head hurt, hurt in the annoying kind of dull thumping behind closed eyelids that doesn't want to go away. He opened his eyes and there was more pain, the pain of a white ceiling and white neon lights and a white-haired Seungri hovering above him like an unreal, ethereal being. He frowned, closing his eyes again with a groan. Since when did the maknae have white hair?    
  
"You're finally awake." that was Seungri's voice, gentle and quivering with emotion and only now did he feel the grip on his hand. Huh.   
  
It turned out that he was in a hospital, has had a severe car accident. A few awful bruises down his left side from the dent the other car had rammed into his own, a severe blow to the head and seven stitches over his left shoulder. He'd been out for a solid two days. He was told that all his injuries would heal without much notice, what he needed was rest and a few painkillers. All that was left was to go through a few standard procedures before they could let him go home. Not much, maybe twenty minutes.   
  
He nodded, asking Seungri if he would mind telling Hyorin that he was alright, coming to see her soon. She must be worried sick about him and he didn't want to let her wait longer than necessary, now that he knew he could leave in a bit.   
  
What he got back was a blank, confused stare.    
  
"Seungri?" he asked, puzzled by the weird behaviour but the other only gave a strained smile before vanishing out of the room with the doctor for a talk. When the door opened again, the doctor was the only one coming back in, starting his standard procedures.    
  
Probing and moving Youngbae's injured arm, leg, side. "Does it hurt?"   
  
"Slightly."   
  
A nod. A scrawl on the clipboard. Next was a little flashlight shone at his eyes. Questions, too. "Name?"   
  
"Dong Youngbae."   
  
Another nod. More scrawling. "Age?"   
  
"Twenty-five."   
  
A frown. "What year is it?"   
  
"2013."    
  
"What is the last thing you remember?"    
  
He should've been suspicious about that but he wasn't, not really. He remembered clearly how he was driving to the YG building. He needed to work on his new album, Rise. The scrawling took long this time.   
  
More tests followed before the doctor told him the diagnosis. Retrograde amnesia. He should be able to get his memories back, the doctor said. Most likely.    
  
Three years was what he had lost. Three years of his life and he couldn't remember a single thing of it. All gone. It was a weird feeling. Like unintentional time travel. It made him somewhat uneasy, disconnected from his surroundings in a sort of dream-like way. Except he was awake.    
  
Seungri came back in eventually, finally, thankfully. Somehow putting him at ease at the familiar face despite the older appearance and the white hair. He looked a bit stiff, like he was the one being put into the wrong skin and not Youngbae. 

  
Seungri had his clothes, his wallet, keys and phone. There was no use staying at the hospital, the doctor had said. It was better to re-expose him to his formerly familiar surroundings.   
  
Seungri said nothing when they were in his car, nothing when he started the motor and drove out of the hospital's parking lot. It was awkward and tense around them in a way he couldn't remember it had ever been. There had only ever been comfortable silence between them before. But now was different. It was unsettling him. Seungri was never quiet, not like this and he didn't like it one bit.   
  
They eventually ended up at a huge apartment complex he didn't recognise. His heart made a weird, excited twist at the sight. Did he and Hyorin move in together? Seungri was out of his car before he could ask though, grabbing Youngbae's bag from the trunk and silently marching ahead. Seungri didn't even really wait, something he would usually scold the maknae for. But now, he could only trace the tense line of the other's shoulders with his eyes and the way Seungri's hands fisted tight around the straps of Youngbae's bag. Something was wrong but he had no idea what.  
  
"Yah, Seungri, shouldn't you be happy that I'm out of the hospital?" he finally started a conversation, playfully punching at Seungri's arm to get his attention. Seungri seemed to snap out of his thoughts at that. He looked at Youngbae for a second, like he'd forgotten he wasn't alone before a round, apologetic smile rose his cheeks.  
  
"Of courses I'm happy you're out, Bae-, err, Youngbae-hyung."   
  
He rose an eyebrow, suspicious. "Seungri-yah, were you just talking down to me?"   
  
Seungri laughed, sounding uncomfortable and fake. "What? No of course not hyung. Why would I talk down to you?"   
  
"You did, you just called me-"  
  
"Look hyung", Seungri interrupted him, tone strained, "the elevator is there."   
  
Seungri was in before Youngbae could say another word, already pressing the button to the right floor. He sighed, following. The silence was back.  
  
When they finally arrived at his apartment, Jiyong was there. He opened the door and he greeted Youngbae with a careful hug. Seungri got a glance and a word. "Kitchen."  
  
He couldn't ask what was going on before Jiyong pulled him into the living room, fretting about him in old mannerism. It was calming. Relieving. No change here. And his best friend still looked almost the same, youthful features barely a day older than he remembered. The hair was the only difference but he was used to that.   
  
They talked about nonsense for a bit. Jiyong promised to show him their new songs soon. Then his best friend was gone again, back to his studio he said. And only now did he remember Seungri still in his kitchen.   
  
When he came in, the picture he was greeted with made him stop in his tracks. Seungri was standing in front of the stove, jacket abandoned over one of the chairs. A blue apron was tied around his slim waist, sleeves of his shirt rolled up as the smell of something frying in a pan penetrated his nose. The view was stirring something in him, something familiar but he couldn't pinpoint it. For all it's worth, Seungri looked oddly domestic.  
  
"What are you doing?" he finally managed to ask. Seungri barely reacted, didn't even turn around. He merely stirred around in a pot.  
  
"I'm cooking. You haven't eaten properly in two days, after all."   
  
"I didn't know you could cook." he sat down onto one of his chairs, watching.  
  
"I picked it up last year. Went to a few classes with-, yeah. Just went to a few classes. Can't live from instant food, restaurants and take out forever, no matter how rich you are." Seungri sounded strained again. His shoulders were still tense.   
  
"I used to tell you that. Do you really want to say you actually listened to me for once?" he asked jokingly, wanting to have some lightness, easiness back between them. It barely seemed to work.  
  
They eventually ate in almost-silence. It was good food and he complimented Seungri on it. Getting a small smile and a 'Thank you' back. He wanted to wash the dishes at least afterwards but Seungri told him no. He was still injured. No room for discussion.   
  
So he ended up on the couch, looking around his big living room. It was much more spacey than the one he remembered, way too big for a single person. His heart lurched at the thought. Seungri came into the room.  
  
"Hey maknae", he started but then Seungri flinched. There was an expression of hurt on his face. Or at least it could have been, gone quicker than he could blink. He frowned. "What's wrong?"  
  
"Nothing. Nothing, you just didn't call me maknae since-, no. Nothing. Forget it." Seungri shook his head. The smile he gave Youngbae wasn't reaching his eyes at all.  
  
"You're keeping something from me." he concluded. Seungri stopped in his tracks. Clearing his throat.  
  
"Hyung.." Seungri sighed, defeated, sitting down opposite to him. "There's something about Hyorin you should know."  
  
His heart picked up a notch at the name.  
  
"You two broke up. She's not actually your girlfriend anymore."   
  
And then it seemed to stop altogether.   
  
"What?" he croaked out. That couldn't be. He'd been happy. _They_ had been happy. They loved each other. Why would they break up? "That can't be. You must be mistaken."  
  
"Hyung, that was three years ago."   
  
He stood up. His head hurt. "No, that's not true. You're joking right? Tell me you're joking."   
  
Seungri hung his head, shaking it. "I'm not."  
  
"But I love her." it was a stupid thing to say. Pathetic. He knew. But he couldn't help it. Seungri flinched. Looking up at him again with an expression he couldn't read.  
  
"I know. I'm sorry."   
  
He let himself fall back onto the couch. His entire body felt defeated. His chest hurt. His head hurt, too. He kind of wanted to cry but nothing happened. Maybe because he'd already cried about it once before. He only recognised vaguely that Seungri stood up. That the couch dipped down next to him. That a warm arm appeared around his shoulder, hesitantly. Caring.  
  
It wasn't fair. His life had been good, maybe even as close to perfect as it would ever be. He did the job he loved with the people he loved and had his girlfriend at his side that he loved. Or has had. Because now he was apparently living in an apartment too big for himself. An apartment without Hyorin.   
  
"Maknae, let's drink something." it wasn't really a suggestion and Seungri seemed to understand. He stood up again, vanishing from Youngbae's side. Everything felt so much colder. So when the first shot of soju was placed in front of him, he downed it unceremoniously. The burn in his throat barely warmed him. The arm around his shoulder didn't return, instead, Seungri just sat next to him like a doll, pouring his own shot down his throat before refilling both. He downed that one, too.  
  
For every shot Seungri drank, he drank two. He knew he probably shouldn't, probably still had some pain medication left in his system which wouldn't go too well with the alcohol. He would probably have one hell of a hangover the next day, too. But right now he couldn't care less. The rationality of his mind was simply turned off. All he wanted was to numb the pain he felt, just for a while. He didn't want to face reality just yet.   
  
But reality was all around him. The flat he didn't know. Seungri, who he thought he knew but something, _something_ was off and he couldn't grasp it. Everything felt like it had been moved an inch to the left and now he was bumping into every single part of his current life. He emptied another shot glass before looking up at the ceiling. Ceilings were hardly any different. Just plain white.   
  
For the first time in his life, starting at a blank ceiling was comforting.   
  
"Hey Seungri, tell me something, yeah?" he half-asked and half didn't. His shot glass was refilled. Another few humming seconds of silence. Swallowing. Then, Seungri started to talk. He just talked nonsense, names and places and events washing over Youngbae. Like a small rivulet slowly turning into a river, flooding his mind with water and drowning out his own thoughts.   
He inhaled. Alcohol numbing his pain. He exhaled. Seungri's voice a soothing distraction. It was comforting, like the white ceiling. Because even if Seungri's appearance had changed, _Seungri_ had changed, his voice hadn't. It was still the same he remembered. Lilting; up and down and up and down. Demanding. Listen to me, I'm talking. Vulnerable. Breaking into halt, into pause at just the sign of interruption. A gushing river with stones and fishes and leaves on the surface. He'd always liked listening to Seungri.   
  
Not that he would admit that out loud. He knew he wouldn't live it down if he did.  
  
They continued to drink. Seungri continued to talk nonsense. It was surprising how long his voice stayed steady. How long it took for the first slur in the other's tongue. How long it took Youngbae to let his loss sink in.   
  
"It's not fair." he interrupted Seungri mid-sentence but he didn't care. He hadn't paid attention to the details of the story anyway and Seungri didn't seem to mind. His own voice was far less under his control than he felt it should. His mind was still too sober, yet his speech was fuzzy. It annoyed him.  
  
"Why do I have to wake up in a life that's not mine anymore?", he asked, knowing there hardly was an answer but it felt good to vent, so he did it, "I never asked for this. I don't want this life."   
  
He downed another shot of soju. Shutting his eyes for a moment at the numb burning in his throat. Then, he turned his head to look at Seungri. "Riri, I want her back. Why did this shit happen to me? My life was so perfect. Everything was so damn perfect. Don't I deserve to be happy with my girlfriend?"   
  
He hiccuped. His eyes started to sting so he looked back up again. Back at the blank, white ceiling. "Hyorin was my angel. I thought god sent her to me. Why would he take her away?"   
  
He hiccuped again, pathetically, into the silence between them. Of course, Seungri wouldn't have an answer for him. He wasn't even sure if anyone at all would have an answer for him. Maybe god would. But god seemed to have turned on him.  
  
"Maybe god punishes us for not appreciating his angels enough."   
  
The words were so unexpected, Youngbae blinked for several seconds trying to decide whether or not he'd imagined them coming from the other. It wasn't that Seungri couldn't get philosophical and deep but the maknae he knew always preferred the easier route. Always opted for a joke to make people feel better, not sink in deeper with them. So when he turned his head yet again, maybe to answer or maybe just to see if this was reality still, he hadn't expected _this_. Seungri sat much similar to him, leaned back and eyes up, a lifeless puppet with an empty shot glass and maybe their second, almost empty soju bottle in hand. Seungri sat much similar to him indeed but there were silent tears dripping from his eyes. Rivulets drowning his cheeks.   
  
Youngbae could only stare for an infinite moment. This wasn't about Hyorin, even if the choice of words could suggest otherwise. It wasn't. But what was Seungri talking about? "Maknae, why are you crying? What's wrong?"  
  
Seungri snapped out of whatever thoughts he must've had, sitting up suddenly to put away both glass and bottle. Quickly wiping at his eyes, his cheeks. A watery smile plastering itself over quivering lips. "Sorry, hyung. Nothing. Nothing's wrong. I'm okay, really."   
  
He frowned. "Are you sure-"  
  
"Yes. I'm fine, hyung. Don't worry about me. You're the heartbroken one, I'm just... I just got lost in thought, that's all." came back more steadily than it should, considering how much they had to drink. But he didn't question it, not if Seungri was so vehemently trying to pull out from his slip-up. Not when this wasn't the Seungri he used to know quite everything about. Not anymore.  
  
"Let's go to sleep, alright?" he just offered instead of words of comfort. Wondering if the other Youngbae would've known why Seungri had cried. Would know how to treat him.   
  
"Yeah. Yeah okay." Seungri nodded vaguely, absent-minded. Putting a cap back onto the soju bottle. Swaying slightly when he stood up, unsteady.   
  
"This place looks big so I'm sure there's a guest room. You can have it, just take what you need." he waved his hand vaguely around. Trying to get up as well. Nearly missing the way Seungri seemed to be frozen up for a second.   
  
"Yeah. Guest room. Of course. Of course." he wasn't sure if Seungri looked hurt again for a second or if he just imagined things.   
  
"So, good night?" he offered vaguely instead of inquiring. Seungri looked to him, nodding eventually. A meek smile. "Night, hyung."  
  
That night, he slept restless. Tossing, turning. His hands unconsciously reaching out for something, _someone_ each time he was on the brink of sleep. But Hyorin was gone, right? So he had nothing to grasp except empty space. Nobody to hold onto anymore. And in the end, it felt like he'd barely slept at all.  
  
He woke up exhausted and hungover. A cruel reminder that even though he couldn't remember, his body hadn't stopped aging. His left side was starting to hurt more, too, when he moved wrongly. The pain medication had probably worn off. He scuffled out of his room, muscle memory bringing him to his bathroom before he knew. He wondered briefly if that was a sign of recovery but he was too hungover and sleepy to come to a conclusion. Instead, he took his toothbrush, working it over his teeth. Yawning. Blinking. Only after rinsing his mouth and putting his toothbrush back did he notice the second one. Seungri must've used it. He didn't put another thought into it.  
  
Instead, he shuffled slightly more awake towards his kitchen, mind set on coffee and breakfast. He didn't expect the smell of food hitting him halfway.   
  
When he came into the kitchen, Seungri was warming up leftovers from yesterday still in his sleeping clothes. Just boxershorts, really and a t-shirt that looked worn out and old and... familiar.  
  
"Is that my favourite t-shirt?" Seungri paused in his motion of operating the rice cooker. Two. Three. The movement continued.  
  
"You gave it to me to sleep in." Seungri turned the rice cooker on. "For when I stay over. Because it's too old to wear normally."   
  
There was something twitchy in Seungri's movement. His shoulders looking strained again.   
  
"You're lying." that, finally, seemed to pull Seungri around to face him. Expression wide-eyed for just a split-second. Then, suddenly, Seungri pouted in the way he always did, face round and young and childish again and it felt like everything that had hung thick around them just melted with it. Like it didn't matter that Youngbae doesn't remember everything because this was his maknae right there, the one he always knew and nothing had quite felt as right as this moment.  
  
"I'm not! Hyung how can you even say that?" Seungri protested vocally, looking upset in that way where he wasn't, not really but did it anyway because he's way too aware how cute he looks then. Maybe he was especially aware how good he looked in Youngbae's old t-shirt on top of that. And Youngbae couldn’t help but laugh. It felt like the first time in forever and it felt so good and so natural and so right. He'd missed this. This feeling he only ever really got around the maknae.  
  
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." he put up his hands in a gesture of surrender. Giggles and chuckles and bundles of laughter still bubbling up. Spilling over despite his earnest attempts to keep them at bay. Until Seungri broke his pouts and joined him laughing and they both end up on the floor eventually because it's silly and it's early and nothing felt better than this, right there, right then.   
  
Seungri looked beautiful when he laughs, Youngbae realised.  
  
When they ate together later, it felt good. It felt good because Seungri smiled at him the way he remembered. Seungri used old jokes on purpose and he noticed and it felt oddly comfortable. It calmed him, in a way. That there was still enough history between them, enough shared memories after all. And most of all, enough genuine smiles. Genuine laughs. Because it may sound silly but he hadn't realised how much he was used to his smiley, cheery maknae until Seungri wasn't anymore, even just for a day.   
  
It wasn't until Seungri put away the dishes, still refusing Youngbae's help with the excuse that he was injured, that he noticed it. A box. It was plain and simple. No hint what it was containing. Just sitting on the floor, staring at him. Was it something important? It didn't look important. But then again it looked too much out of place to simply have been put there by Youngbae.   
  
He decided to just check. Probably just stuff he wanted to throw away. Or maybe it had been a present of some sort? But when he was opening the box just a tad, not even enough to see much just yet, did a firm hand land on top of it to push it close again.  
  
"You can't look at that!" Seungri sounded almost panicky. Taking the box away before Youngbae could even react.  
  
"What?" he frowned. "Why not?"   
  
All the easiness, the laughs and smiles and comfortable expression had fallen from Seungri again. He looked just as tense as he'd had in the hospital.   
  
"You can't it's-... it's a secret. It's my... stuff that Jiyong-hyung-, he brought it for me yesterday, yeah. He brought it and you can't look at it. Under no circumstances."   
  
Maybe he would've joked about it, in another situation. That it's Seungri's porn stash he's hiding. Or he would've become upset at the way Seungri acted, that he shouldn't have secrets from his hyung. But the way Seungri clung to the box as if ready to protect it with his life, the way his eyes were wide and fearful and just _so vulnerable_ , it made him say nothing of the things he would've said. Instead, he just cleared his throat uncomfortably. Looked away.   
  
"Yeah okay. I won't look." he assured. Backing off. Confusion and worry etched in his mind. But he said nothing. Just watched Seungri hesitantly going back to finishing the dishes. Going back to being stiff and weird and silent.   
  
And that didn't change for the remaining time until Seungri would go home, as he said, reluctantly and uncertain. And Youngbae bid him goodbye, reluctant and confused.  
  
Because if, whatever was in the box was secret for whatever reason, then why had he seen a photo of them, Seungri in a grey and him in a black suit together?  
  



	2. Significant

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter feels a bit rushed now that I actually read through it as a whole and I guess I WOULD probably feel bad and change that if this wasn't initially supposed to be a OneShot anyway. So yeah, fxxk it. Thank you to everyone who had been writing comments so far (I'm sorry I'm busy and couldn't respond personally!) and I hope y'all like it!
> 
> Have fun reading.

It took a good three weeks and another two check-ups with the doctor before Youngbae was deemed fit enough. The bruises from his side had faded. His shoulder healed well, too. He finally had green light to go along normally with his life again. Or as normal as he could with three years still lost. But it felt less strange now, thankfully. Because after Jiyong, Daesung and Seunghyun had each come to see him, too. Both looked older as well than he remembered. But they also didn't treat him one ounce different than usually. And that felt good. Because after how Seungri was acting around him, he'd already feared something was up with their group. But it wasn't. Not at all.   
  
The only weird one was Seungri.    
  
But Seungri was also the only one to visit him almost every day regardless. Seungri was the one to make sure Youngbae wasn't bored out of his mind trying to rest alone at home. He was the one bringing along lyric sheets and CDs and teaching Youngbae his own songs and parts again. And Youngbae might've been staring sometimes, just a bit, when Seungri sung to him so he could get it right. Might have been watching the way Seungri's mouth moved and his eyelashes fanned out over his cheeks when he closed his eyes, the way his chest rose and fell, sweet voice lingering in the air.   
  
Seungri was also the one cooking and tidying up and making Youngbae feel useless in his own four walls. And he kind of hated it but also kind of really didn't because it made him feel cared for. And that was nice. And most of all, Seungri was the one staying with him in the nights he would miss Hyorin so painfully he wasn't sure how to go on properly.   
  
One of those nights, when he was a bit tipsy again and his chest felt heavy with every breath, Seungri had shown him a new lyric sheet for one of his own songs. Had told him it was the song he'd written after his breakup.    
  
_ Eyes Nose Lips. _   
  
And instead of playing it to him from his phone or from a CD or from Youngbae's laptop or anything, really, Seungri had cleared his throat once and then started singing. Started singing with his eyes closed and his voice steady as if it was the most natural thing that he knew every word to Youngbae's song like it was his own. And it sounded sad. Sad and pained and heartfelt and he didn't notice that he started crying silently until Seungri stopped singing. Until Seungri opened his eyes again and looked at him for all of two moments before wordlessly pulling him into an embrace.    
  
And he didn't know how long he had stayed like that. How long he'd cried. But it felt refreshing, cleansing, right. Somehow. Washing away his pain and leaving him empty. It was the first time that he felt like he could move on from it all. That he would still miss Hyorin but that it would pass. That he would be able to call her a memory and nothing more.   
  
After this night, he didn't need any more alcohol to numb the pain.   
  
Instead, when the check-up at the doctor the following day was done, he felt ecstatic. He could finally, finally work out again. Could finally dance again. And he felt like it was highly time for that. His body had felt restless for way too long already.    
  
So when he got out of the hospital, he headed straight to the YG building. Straight to their practice room. Pushing the door open excitedly and-   
  
Running directly into Jiyong. They stumbled apart with mutual groans of pain, Jiyong's boney angles and Youngbae's hard chest not exactly a match made in heaven. But after the initial three seconds of confusion, a grin spread over his face. Unexpectedly meeting his best friend was always nice.   
  
"Ah, Bae! Are you finally fit enough?" Jiyong recognised him now, too, an equal grin pushing the corners of his mouth as he looked Youngbae shortly up and down.   
  
He hummed. "The doctor said I can finally do sports again so I thought I come polish my dancing a bit. And what are you doing here?"    
  
Jiyong gave half a shrug. Nonchalant as always. "We got some new stereo and I've checked it. Definitely better than the old one. I was just about to bring out the leftover boxes it came in. Wanna help me?"    
  
Youngbae wasn't surprised in the least that their leader had to personally come check these kind of things and so instead easily agreed to help. However, when he saw the now useless boxes, he stopped. The memory of another, very particular, plain box came back to his mind. The way Seungri had clung to it. How weird he'd behaved again. And the picture that had been in it.   
  
"Hey, Jiyongie." he called out casually, taking two of the empty boxes. The other hummed, taking two more.   
  
"Say, what was in that box you brought for Seungri? You know, the one when I got out of the hospital?"    
  
To anyone else, Jiyong would've seemed calm. He would've seemed nonchalant and easy and not a tad different from three minutes ago. But Youngbae knew Jiyong not only since yesterday. And so he noticed. Of course he noticed. The way Jiyong's lips pressed so minimally more together. The way his fingers curled just that bit more. The way he didn't meet Youngbae's eyes for a moment too long.    
  
"That box? Nothing much really, just some stuff." And there was the minimal pitch in Jiyong's voice that gave away how blatantly he was lying.   
  
"Jiyong." he sighed. And Jiyong knew he had been caught. Shoulders slumping.   
  
"Okay okay it's not  _ nothing _ ." Jiyong chewed his lip. He was nervous. Why would Jiyong be nervous? "And I-, no. Bae I really can't tell you what's in there."   
  
He frowned. Remembering how Seungri had said it was a 'secret'. Jiyong  _ never _ refused to share secrets. Especially not with Youngbae. "Why can’t you tell me?"   
  
Jiyong seemed to slump even more. Looking down at the boxes in his hands rather than Youngbae. Biting his lips still. Shaking his head. "I  _ swore _ not to." he didn't sound too happy.   
  
"Let's just bring those boxes out, okay? I actually meet with Teddy-hyung, Choice-hyung and Seunghyun-hyung in ten minutes in the studio and I don't want to keep them waiting." He gave another sigh at those words. Grabbed the boxes a bit tighter.   
  
"Yeah sure, I don't want you to be late."    
  
He helped as promised. They walked out in silence. And then he was back at the practice room. Alone. Still in silence. He couldn't bring himself to turn on the music. His body feeling like lead all of a sudden, refusing to move with his command. So he just sat down on one of the benches. Elbows braced on his legs. Head hanging low between his shoulders.   
  
First Seungri and now Jiyong were not telling him something. Something that very clearly had to do with him. And it irked him. It irked him badly. Why would Seungri get a box with 'stuff' and a photograph of them from Jiyong that Youngbae wasn't allowed to see? Why had Jiyong been bringing it to his flat first anyway instead of leaving it in his car and giving it to the maknae later? That would've been way easier.   
  
Unless, of course, Jiyong hadn't brought the box with him.    
  
What if, instead, the box had been in Youngbae's flat all along?   
  
So would that mean it was his stuff? He remembered how Jiyong had already been in his flat when Seungri and he had arrived and now that he thought about it, it made no sense. How would Jiyong have known unless someone had told him? Seungri must've called him, at some point during Youngbae's check-up. But why would Seungri tell Jiyong to put things from him into a box and take it away?    
  
He buried his face in his hands with a frustrated groan. Nothing made sense.    
  
But it was bothering him. He wanted to know what was going on. Jiyong had said he'd  _ sworn _ to someone not to tell him. But who? And why? He thought of the photo again since it was the only thing he knew was in the box. It had been Seungri and him. That was normal, wasn't it? He had a bunch of pictures with all of his friends.    
  
Something must've been up with it, though. Maybe it wasn't the picture itself but the event? They'd worn suits, both of them. So something formal? He barely took pictures he actually printed out and kept from something like business dinners or alike, though. It must've been something important. A birthday? No. He wouldn't wear a suit that neat and tidy to any of his friend's birthdays. They'd looked too formal for a company party either. But what could it be?   
  
He stared ahead at the opposite wall. Thoughts turning around themselves in confusion. Just like the ring he'd been turning around his finger for the past ten minutes and-   
  
A wedding. He'd been at a - _ wedding _ .    
  
A cold shiver ran down his spine.    
  
Had it been  _ his _ wedding? Was that the reason Seungri and Jiyong had tried to keep it from him? He immediately started down at his hands but no. None of the rings he had were any close to an engagement ring. He would've noticed that.    
  
But then what was this supposed to mean? Nothing was making any sense. On the contrary, all his thinking did was confuse him more. He could already feel a headache forming.    
  
And so instead of dancing he drove home again. His initial good mood about being able to exercise again completely gone. What was there to dancing if the rhythm of his life was still thrown off?    
  
Maybe he should try to ask Seungri about it again.   
  
\---   
  
It took him two and a half weeks. Seungri came over that evening with takeout this time.    
  
"Can't cook every day, after all." he would say, placing everything on Youngbae's living room table. Getting chopsticks from the kitchen and letting himself fall on the couch next to Youngbae, thighs touching. Like this was natural, like Seungri belonged there all along. Right next to him. Or maybe that was just Youngbae's feeling.    
  
He quickly took the other pair of chopsticks and some food. Blew on it before stuffing a mouthful between his teeth. Chewing. Staring down. Thinking.   
  
He still didn't know how he was supposed to start the topic of the mystery box. He’d already tried to figure out  _ something _ but two and a half weeks of it hadn’t resulted in anything. So really, what was he supposed to do? Start bluntly? Seungri would probably just shut off again. But how should he ask gently? Should he pretend to know what was in there? That could potentially go completely wrong and-   
  
"Hyung?" he looked up. Seungri hadn't even touched his food yet, looking at him with a concerned frown.    
  
"What's wrong?"   
  
"Nothing." he lied, easily, convincingly. Shrugging his shoulder nonchalantly.    
  
Seungri looked absolutely disbelieving. "Hyung I can practically  _ hear you _ thinking."   
  
Huh.   
  
He blinked.   
  
That was... new? Seungri had never been too good at telling when Youngbae was lying. At least not like this, not when it was just small words, small situations. Only Jiyong could do that. But Jiyong knew him longer and they were best friends and well, it wasn't like Seungri and he weren't good friends, too but this was, just, this was weird and new and when had Seungri learned to do this? When had Seungri ever paid so much attention to him that he would notice?    
  
"I was just... thinking about what the doctor said today. I can work out normally again." he brought out finally. Seungri still looked like he didn't believe a word. Youngbae hoped that Seungri didn't know he hadn't had a doctor's appointment today. But then Seungri smiled. Small mercies.   
  
"That's fantastic hyung! Then we can dance tomorrow in the studio together."    
  
He frowned. "We?"    
  
Seungri shrugged, chewing on the first bite he'd finally taken. Swallowed. "Of course. Who else is going to teach you the new choreography?"    
  
"We usually have a choreographer for that." he deadpanned. Continuing to eat now as well.    
  
Seungri pouted. Youngbae tried not to look. It should be illegal for the maknae to still look adorable like this with what, 26? "Don't you want me to show you, hyung?"    
  
"I didn't say that."    
  
"Then it's settled", Seungri grinned triumphantly, "how about tomorrow at 11:00?"    
  
"You're going to stay over anyway, won't you? So why not start in the morning right away?"    
  
Seungri continued to eat unfazed. Swallowed. "Hyung I don't have any work-out clothes with me so I need to go home first."    
  
Ah.   
  
"Right." Youngbae poked around in his food. Chewed on another mouthful. "Why don't you take some from me? I'm sure I have something that should fit you somewhere."    
  
That seemed to get to Seungri. The maknae stopped eating again. Looking at him. Blinking slowly as if to carefully comprehend what had just been said. "You always complained when someone wanted to borrow stuff from you. You didn't even let  _ Jiyong-hyung _ wear your clothes most of the time even though you're close."    
  
"Well, apparently that changed. You already wear my old favourite t-shirt when you sleep here, don't you?"   
  
"But you  _ gave _ that to me. I'm not  _ borrowing _ it. It's not like you wear it anymore." Seungri replied, leaning his head to the side. Frowning with the same amount of confusion as before. He looked down before the blood crawling in his cheeks could become too noticeable.    
  
"Well, maybe I don't mind lending my clothes to someone that much anymore if that someone is you." he quickly stuffed his cheeks afterwards. Avoiding to look at Seungri because somehow he felt embarrassed.    
  
But it was true. Ever since he'd seen Seungri in his old t-shirt he'd realised it didn't bother him with his maknae. That Seungri somehow looked nice in Youngbae's clothes. Weirdly familiar. And way too good.   
  
"Well, if it's alright with you." Seungri complied and when he looked up to the maknae again, he saw a small smile. It looked happy, if secretly so.    
  
"Of course." and they continued eating in silence. At least, until they had put the dishes and empty containers away and sat back on the couch.    
  
"So what was on your mind earlier, hyung?"    
  
It surprised him that Seungri addressed it again but only for a moment. "I told you, it's nothing."   
  
Seungri sighed. "Hyung, even though you don't remember it, I know you better now. I can tell when there's something on your mind and I can tell when you're lying about it."   
  
"Well, you're obviously lying about something, too, so why can't I?" he snapped back without thinking. Realising too late what he'd said.    
  
Seungri just stared at him. "W-what?"   
  
"I'm dating someone, don't I?" he knew it was a long shot into the dark. But anything less would get Seungri to deflect his questions. Change topic. And he couldn't have that this time.    
  
Seungri just looked at him silently with an expression he knew all too well. It was answer enough.   
  
"So I  _ am _ dating someone", he concluded, anger rising up on his insides as he started gesticulating, "and you didn't think of telling me that? Don't I have a right to know about my own damn life anymore or what now, just because I can't remember it?"    
  
Seungri flinched at his tone and he felt almost bad. Almost. If it wasn't for the fact that none of his friends had thought it important enough to tell him he had a significant other in his life.    
  
"No of course you should-, it's just-, hyung I didn't mean to-" Seungri fell over his own words hastily, interrupting his own sentences, then stopped.   
  
Youngbae waited. Watching Seungri leaning forward. Watching him squeezing his eyes shut and running his hands over his face.    
  
"Before you lost your memories you and... you two argued. Badly. So bad in fact, that you got into your car to drive away and-", Seungri didn't end the sentence, just making a telling gesture with his hand.   
  
"Oh." the single syllable didn't feel very eloquent to say. Yet a good portion of the anger and betrayal he'd felt before was gone. Instead, he felt weird again. He hated arguing with people but how do you describe the feeling when you don't know who you argued with? Or what about? It was an uneasy feeling, like phantom pain of a wound that should be there but wasn't.    
  
Seungri opened his eyes again but didn't look at Youngbae. "They feel guilty."   
  
"For my accident?"    
  
Seungri nodded.    
  
He frowned. "Why?"   
  
Seungri turned his head abruptly, expression incredulous. "What do you mean  _ 'why' _ ? If it wouldn't have been for that argument you would've never been in that accident, hyung! You would still have your memories and you wouldn't go through all the heartbreak again and, and,- how is that not a reason to feel guilty?"    
  
The intensity with which Seungri answered him surprised Youngbae. He knew Seungri could show great amounts of passion if he was convinced of something. But this? This was weird.    
  
"Accidents happen, Ri." he replied calmly. It barely seemed to get through to the maknae, though.    
  
Seungri just looked away again. "Let's not... Let's just talk about something else, alright?"    
  
He sighed. "Alright."   
  
And they did. They talked comfortably again after a while. Joked around. Made plans for the next day, which songs to learn the dance to first. If Seungri is better than Youngbae now because technically, he had three years more to practice now. Eventually, they ran out of things to talk about. Or really, Youngbae did because Seungri never seems to be short on that. Not really.    
  
And somehow they ended up with Seungri's head on Youngbae lap. And somehow Youngbae ended up running his fingers absent-minded through Seungri's hair while Seungri was still talking and telling stories and gesticulating. And somehow, Youngbae could only listen half-heartedly.    
  
Because Seungri was entrancing.   
  
The way his mouth moved when he talked. All the different expressions he made. The way his eyes twinkled when they caught the light and his hands brushing Youngbae's arm when Seungri gesticulated a tad too much. The way his chest rose and fell and how his voice lilted. He felt like he'd never really  _ looked _ at the maknae before. But now that he did, he couldn't look away.   
  
_ I want to kiss him. _   
  
His mind stuttered at the sudden, unguarded thought. His hand's movement stopped completely. As did Seungri's story.    
  
"Hyung?" Seungri asked him with a perplexed tone. Looking up at him with big, innocent eyes. And it dawned on Youngbae with the strong urge in his heart. He still wanted to kiss Seungri. It hadn't just been a fleeting, uncaring thought.  _ He still wanted to kiss Seungri. _   
  
And for the fraction of a moment, it felt frighteningly natural to just do it.   
  
"Nothing." he reassured quickly. Continued to run his hand through Seungri's hair. "It's nothing important."   
  
For a  second, Seungri looked at him like he knew. Like he'd seen the sudden desire on Youngbae's face so clearly as if it was written right across it. And that look confused him. Sent his heart into a wild, worried frenzy.    
  
It confused him more, though, that for just a moment, Seungri looked like he would  _ let Youngbae _ .   
  
But then everything was over and Seungri just continued talking like nothing had interrupted him in the first place.    
  
At least now Youngbae knew why he could only listen half-heartedly.   
  
Seungri talked until the first yawn slipped past his lips. He attempted to go on afterwards but Youngbae could see the way Seungri's eyelids started fluttering against the growing tiredness. How the corners of Seungri's mouth twitched to push down the second yawn. And the third.    
  
Youngbae yawned next at the contagious sight. "Maybe we should go sleep."   
  
Seungri blinked slowly. "Not yet hyung."    
  
"Why not?" he asked. Frowning slightly while twirling a longer stand of Seungri's hair around his finger. The maknae gave up the fight and closed his eyes.   
  
"Because this is nice. I don't want to ruin it with going to sleep." Seungri explained. It took a moment for him to realise exactly what the maknae was referring to. But then he smiled, stroking his fingers through the white stands again.    
  
"Okay, I give you five more minutes but then we'll go sleep, alright?"   
  
Seungri yawned again. "Okay. Five minutes."    
  
Ten minutes later, light snoring filled the otherwise silent room. Youngbae had lost himself in playing with Seungri's hair until he'd lost track of time as well and Seungri had fallen fast asleep on his lap. He didn't quite have the heart to wake him up again.    
  
Instead, he calculated if he could still carry the maknae into bed like he'd sometimes done in old days, back when they'd all still shared a dorm. He figured that he could at least try. Otherwise, he'd have to wake Seungri up again anyway.    
  
So he slowly squeezed himself out from under Seungri's head. Got up from the couch silently. Crouching down in front of it and carefully,  _ carefully _ wriggling his arms underneath the other. Once he had one firmly under Seungri's legs and the other under his shoulders, he tried to lift him.    
  
And god, okay, maybe Seungri wasn't that stick-thin teenager anymore and maybe he needed to work out again more often but it wasn't impossible. He managed to lift Seungri up, the maknae's head lolling against his shoulder. He managed to carry him all the way to the guestroom and even kick the door open quietly. He managed to gently lay Seungri down on the sheets, too.    
  
And he almost managed to get out silently as well. If it wasn't for the hold on his shirt as he'd tried to cover Seungri with his blanket.    
  
He bit his lip. Tried to carefully pry Seungri's fingers from the fabric. But as soon as he'd managed that, they held onto his hand instead. And he slowly tried to get out from that as well but then Seungri suddenly turned to the other side, Youngbae's hand still in a surprisingly strong hold and Youngbae nearly fell on top of the maknae. He probably would have if he hadn't stabilised himself with his free hand in the last moment.    
  
His heart still pounded with the aftershock as he stared down on Seungri's unsuspecting side profile. Seungri's incredibly beautiful, unsuspecting side profile. With his long eyelashes and his cute nose and his mouth parted adorably.    
  
Youngbae bit his lip harder, eyes lingering.    
  
He should go to his own bedroom. Go to his own bed. Sleep. Not stare at Seungri like he was the most beautiful person, bathed in just enough of the silver glow from the moon outside to illuminate his face. The curve of his neck and Adam's apple. The dip at the end of his throat between his collarbones. The slow, steady rise of his chest.    
  
He knew this was a terrible idea. He knew. But his body still moved, moved over Seungri until he was on the other side of the bed. Slowly lowered himself on the mattress until he was on his side as well, facing Seungri.    
  
This was such a bad idea.   
  
He grabbed the blanket with his free hand. Pulled it over both of them. Felt Seungri shifting instinctively. Closer. Always closer. Until he was nuzzled into Youngbae from head to toe. Face in the crook of Youngbae's neck. Chests touching and stomachs touching and a leg curling in between his.    
  
Seungri's breath was ghosting over his skin and he couldn't remember Seungri ever being this clingy in his sleep and there was a blush crawling all the way up to the tip of his ears and honestly, he'd never felt so warm and tingly and  _ good _ .    
  
Ever.    
  
So he just draped his arm over Seungri's waist and nuzzled his nose into the white hair and maybe, just maybe, took a deep breath before closing his eyes and drifting off into Dreamland as well.   
  
He would deal with the consequences of his terrible idea tomorrow.


	3. Truth?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was initially supposed to be the last chapter but it got so long I had to separate it into two. All those nice comments got my creative writer juices flowing! Which means more to read for y'all so I hope that's good. Which also means though, that I could end this chapter at a very mean part. Which is maybe not so good? I don't plead for forgiveness though because I don't deserve it but I hope you'll anticipate the final part next week ;)!
> 
> Until then, have fun reading!

Soft oranges blinked past the half-closed blinds and against the opposite wall, painting intricate patterns across the furniture, the floor, part of the bed. They ghosted over Youngbae's face. Teasing him out of his dreams with warm fingers. He tried to hide from the bright rays, burying himself deeper in the pillow.

 

He didn't want to wake up just yet. Not when he felt so warm and cosy and perfect. Not when he'd slept better than in the past weeks combined.

 

Only a tad later, he realised he wasn't sleeping alone.

 

Staccato heartbeats danced along the inside of his rip cage. The warm breath tickling his neck sent goosebumps over his skin. He barely dared to move his face again to take a look. How was he supposed to explain why he slept in the same bed as Seungri?

 

But Seungri seemed still blissfully unaware, his light snores implying that much. As did the arm he had over Youngbae's hip, fingers grazing a small patch of skin between the hem of Youngbae's shirt and his waistband.

 

He swallowed. Tried not to think about their proximity too much. So what if he liked to be cuddled up with his maknae? There was nothing wrong about it. It was just innocently sleeping next to each other, nothing more. Nothing to feel bad about.

 

Yet, he couldn't help thinking that he was betraying his significant other.

 

Seungri suddenly started to move in his arms, the persisting rays of the morning sun finally having found his face as well. Youngbae's heart leapt into his throat.

 

He didn't expect Seungri to just groan and try to hide his face more in the crook of Youngbae's neck. He expected even less to have the maknae shifting completely against him. Wrapping his arm that had previously just rested on Youngbae's hip completely over his whole back. Even pulling him closer. As if Seungri was completely used to sleeping like this.

 

For a moment, he had the hope that Seungri was asleep again and that maybe, just maybe, he could sneak away before Seungri would wake up properly.

 

But then all his hopes were shattered when Seungri's morning-roughened voice rasped right next to his ear, sending shivers down his spine. "Stop thinkin', it's too loud."

 

He blinked. "Huh?"

 

Seungri sighed against his neck. Tapping his hand against Youngbae's back while speaking casually. "You're all stiff. So whaddever it is, just think 'bout it later."

 

"Uhm... Okay?" he answered completely confused. Why was Seungri not surprised they slept in the same bed? Why did he act like this was normal?  _ Was _ this normal? With the other Youngbae?

 

Seungri suddenly huffed dissatisfied, moving away from him. Two dark eyes blinked open with a pouty expression. "Youngbae, I can basically  _ feel _ you still over thinking-"

 

"Respect, maknae." he interrupted Seungri at the lack of honorifics. He expected that Seungri would correct himself and continue talking, maybe somehow explaining more to Youngbae why he was so relaxed with the whole situation.

 

He wasn't prepared to watch Seungri's easy, playfully pouty expression fall in an instant. Wasn't prepared for a pained expression to cross along those handsome features. In the next moment, Seungri had sat up, turning away from Youngbae.

 

"Ah, sorry hyung, I wasn't thinking. How about I go and make breakfast for us as apology?" Seungri offered. Turning back to him with a strained smile.

 

_ What? _ What on earth was happening? "Seungri, you don't need to-"

 

Seungri interrupted him while getting off the bed. "Great, I'll go prepare it right away!"

 

And then he was already gone from the room.

 

Part of Youngbae wanted to go after Seungri. Ask what just happened. What’s wrong. Maybe demand an explanation. But did he deserve one? Would he get one?

 

He still didn't know how to handle this side of Seungri. He didn't know what to do about the guilt crawling up his throat either. About his inability to deal with Seungri like this. His inability to remember. To be the person that he was supposed to be. Or had been. The idol. The friend.

 

The relationship partner.

 

To a ghost. A person he didn't have the tiniest clue about. A person who hadn’t checked on him. At all. Not even once. Seungri had said out of guilt. But how could that person stay away from him without a word? Just because of guilt?

 

Shouldn’t they have checked on him anyway, if they really loved him?

 

He didn't even know if he'd been happy with that person. Didn't know a single thing about them. Didn't know how they laughed. Didn't know their favourite colour. How they liked their coffee. Did they like coffee? How did they look like when they woke up? Sleepy and adorable and just so warm he wanted to snuggle right back against them and kiss-

 

He stopped his thoughts with a thumping heart.

 

The scent of burned food suddenly penetrating his nose. Sparing him the wave of new guilt. Because that last thought, that very last thought hadn't been about his significant other. It had been about someone else entirely.

 

"Seungri!" he came alarmed into the kitchen. Seeing how Seungri held a smoking pan under running water. Bits and pieces of burnt rice and  _ something _ swimming down the drain.

 

Seungri stayed with his back to Youngbae. "Sorry hyung. I was thinking about something else and accidentally burnt our breakfast."

 

Normally, he would scold the maknae. Would tell him to be careful. Not to waste food. But the line of Seungri's shoulders made him stop. The sound of Seungri's thick voice made him think twice.

 

"It's okay." he said merely. Didn't look too close at Seungri's face. "Let me just get dressed properly and then we eat at YG's cafeteria."

 

"Okay."

 

"I pay."

 

"Thanks, hyung."

 

He swallowed before turning around. Walking into his room and closing the door. Changing out of his old, sleep-rumpled clothes. Putting on fresh ones. Sitting down on his untouched bed and running a hand through his hair while he waited.

 

He gave Seungri ten whole minutes. Both of them knew Youngbae didn't need ten whole minutes to change. But once he came out, he just wordlessly handed Seungri some of his baggier training clothes that should fit and neither of them commented on anything.

 

They didn't talk after Seungri changed. Didn't talk in the car driving to YG. Didn't really talk during breakfast either.

 

They only started talking once they were inside the familiar dancing studio and the music to Bae Bae started to play. Because no matter the unspoken,  _ unknown _ things between them, dancing was something that always brought them back together.

 

And it wasn’t any different this time around, either.

 

"No no no hyung", it was the first time that Seungri laughed that day, "are you messing this up on purpose?"

 

He grinned back at the high-pitched giggles. "I would  _ never _ ."

 

Seungri shook his head with a lingering smile. "Alright, then I'll show you again. First you got to.."

 

He stopped listening after that. Already understood the move his maknae tried to show him, anyway.

 

Originally, he’d planned on only teasing the other to lighten the mood. Watching him doing the move again and again until Seungri realised Youngbae was playing with him. But then Seungri touched him. Looping an arm casually around Youngbae’s neck to explain the signature move better this time.

 

And it should be fine, really. He’d been touched by Seungri millions of times, after all. Billions even. And of course he didn’t mind it. This was Seungri after all. His maknae. Of course he wouldn’t mind. Would like it. Maybe. Because it was warm. A warm touch. Nice. Familiar.

 

_ Familiar _ .

 

And dangerously comfortable.

 

But of course it was. Familiar. And comfortable.  _ They’ve been bandmates forever, after all _ , he tried to argue loudly against something inside him that hadn’t even spoken up yet. Something he had to prevent from ever speaking up in the first place. He shouldn’t listen to it.

 

After all, the other Youngbae already had a significant other, right?

 

_ I _ , he corrected,  **_I_ ** _ have a significant other. _

 

And maybe he didn’t know who they were. But he knew who he was. And knowing himself, then whoever he’d chosen wouldn’t deserve to be treated like this. Even if they’ve had a fight.

 

A heavy feeling settled deep in his chest. Eyebrows drawing together.

 

What had Seungri said again? Guilt. That’s what had kept his significant other away from him.  _ Still _ kept his significant other away. But if they felt so guilty, as Seungri had said, then shouldn’t they be  _ with him _ instead? Trying to make it better, not worse? Why weren’t they with him, helping him to find a stable thread to hold on? To find his life again the way he was supposed to?

 

And not fall into wrong thoughts about other people.

 

He realised too late that he’d stopped moving completely. Realised too late that Seungri was looking at him. Confusedly. Worried.

 

“Hyung? Are you alright?”

 

It was out before he registered he was talking. “No, not really.”

 

“What’s wrong?” Seungri immediately stepped closer with a worried expression. Putting a hand on Youngbae’s arm. The touch tingled all the way up his spine.

 

No. God.  _ No _ . He shouldn’t feel like this. Didn’t  _ want _ to feel like this. Not with Seungri. Not when he wasn’t supposed to. Not when it was so  _ wrong _ . This was something he should feel for his significant other. Not for his maknae.

 

But could he really be blamed? 

 

“Where is my oh so special significant other anyway?” he asked, anger in his voice masking the hurt he felt inside him. Why would they just leave him alone like this? Why?

 

“Why did they never try to talk to me again? Try to solve things again?”, he didn’t really ask Seungri, felt confusion mixing with his anger now that he thought about it, ”are you sure I actually mean that much to them after all?” 

 

There was loneliness rising up. He closed his eyes against it, running a hand through his hair.

 

It didn’t help.

 

He just felt lost. “I don’t understand. Is it really that easy to just not see me? Be with me? Am I the  _ only one _ who’s hurting?” 

 

And the worst part was, he didn’t even know what he was missing.

 

Or rather, who.

 

And it was even worse that it wasn’t his significant other’s company he was craving.

 

“Hyung I-, they didn’t mean to-, I mean-, I-, they  _ love _ you”, Seungri stumbled over his words in reply, looking almost desperate yet speaking softly, soothingly, “they still care. I promise hyung, you’re important to them. So very,  _ very _ important.”

 

He bit his lip, not looking at Seungri but the ground. Trying not to let his shoulders sink the way his heart did. “Apparently not important enough.”

 

He completely missed the pained expression on Seungri’s face. “Hyung-”

 

“It’s okay”, he interrupted. Tried to reassure, realising that he was whining to Seungri, his dongsaeng, his  _ maknae _ , of all people. 

 

Which, really, he shouldn’t. 

 

“Let’s just continue.”

 

“But hyung-”

 

He shook his head. “I already whined enough. My relationship problems shouldn’t burden you like this. I’m sorry.”

 

“Hyung I- _ ” _

 

He held up a hand. “Just forget it Seungri. Please.”

 

“ _ Youngbae. _ ” the seriousness and lack of any honorifics got him to look up at the other again. Almost scold Seungri. But the words stayed stuck in his throat the moment they made eye contact. The moment he stopped. Stopped to really,  _ truly _ looked at Seungri.

 

And he finally understood the expression on Seungri’s face he’d never been able to read before.

 

“It's me.

 

_ I’m _ your significant other.”

 

And Youngbae’s heart stopped. 

 

“You’re my-?”, of course.

 

_ Of course _ .

 

How could he not have noticed that? How could he not have guessed? How could he have been so oblivious? It had been so  _ obvious _ . Suddenly, everything made sense. Seungri’s weird behaviour. The mystery box. The absence, or well, not, of his significant other. Why Seungri’s touch and presence and proximity felt so much more natural than anyone else’s. All of it just made perfect sense.

 

And he didn’t know how to feel about it.

 

Sure, he was relieved. Incredibly so. He wasn’t falling for someone else than his significant other, he was falling  _ for _ his significant other. Again.

 

But there was also confusion. Why hadn’t Seungri told him sooner?

 

Worry. Didn’t Seungri say there had been a fight?

 

And why, god, could he still not remember a single thing about anything?

 

Suddenly, Youngbae felt sick. Couldn’t meet Seungri’s eyes anymore. Not like that. Not when he felt so  _ guilty _ . But how could he not? He’d hurt Seungri. Bad.

 

How could he have not realised that sooner?

 

He should have. Should have noticed the agonised expressions. Should have interpret the weird behaviour better. The pain and hurt in Seungri’s eyes.

 

He should have remembered.

 

And yet, there was nothing. No memories of warm Sundays. No memories of happy faces and lovingly touches. No memories of the fight, either.

 

He had left Seungri alone with both their memories to shoulder.

 

“I’m sorry”, he started, finally, taking a step towards Seungri, wanting to touch him, to comfort him, do  _ something _ because, “I still don’t remember but-”

 

Seungri took a step back.

 

“I can’t.” the other mumbled weakly. Youngbae’s hand, risen into mid-air, froze in shock.

 

“What-?”

 

“I can’t.” Seungri repeated, voice shaking. “I love you. I still care about you. You’re still so very, very important to me. But I can’t. I can’t-”, Seungri never finished the sentence. Biting his lip. For the fraction of a second, Seungri looked like he was about to cry.

 

And Youngbae took Seungri’s hands.

 

“Why?” he simply asked. Heart squeezing in his chest as he tried to look into Seungri’s eyes. Noting how glassy they got. “Why can’t you-”

 

He stopped. Realised that maybe that was the wrong question to ask. With a shuddering exhale, he tried again. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

 

Seungri’s smile was painful. “Hyung, when you lost your memory you didn’t love me anymore. You loved Hyorin.”

 

His stomach twisted at the thought because it was  _ true _ . He’d loved Hyorin so much when he’d woken up in the hospital. Had been truly heartbroken when Seungri had told him they were no longer a couple. But that was in the past. He might have loved Hyorin but now was different. 

 

“But now I love  _ you _ .”

 

It was the wrong thing to say.

 

Seungri flinched back as if burned, wrapping his arms around himself protectively. He wasn’t looking at Youngbae.

 

“I can’t, hyung.”

 

And suddenly, the honorifics stung. Putting distance where there shouldn’t be. Should’ve never been again.

 

Now he knew why Seungri had flinched at the word ‘maknae’, the first time he’d used it after the accident.

 

"Why not?" he asked weakly, desperately. Because he still didn’t understand. "Is it because of the fight? Because you feel guilty? Accidents happen, Seungri. It wasn't your fault."

 

But the other shook his head. "It's not because of the guilt. It's because-,"

 

Seungri stopped. Looking up while his eyelashes were fluttering rapidly. Deep breaths. One. Two. Three.

 

"It's because you might've cheated on me. And I can't trust you anymore, hyung. Not like that."

 

The sickening feeling was back, his stomach turning in on itself at the thought.  _ Cheating? _ On  _ Seungri? _ "I would never-!"

 

He stopped himself almost as quickly as he'd started. He wouldn't cheat on Seungri  _ now _ . Would never betray him  _ now _ . Couldn't ever even imagine it. But what if the other Youngbae was different? What if those three years had changed him to the worse?

 

His voice was meek when he spoke up a second time. "Are you really sure I...?"

 

He didn't want to end the question. The thought was just too much.

 

The way Seungri's lips quivered when he spoke was already answer enough, though. "You were gone so often, always telling me you were hanging out with Jiyong-hyung. But when I asked you if I could come along you always told me different excuses not to. You're just going to watch a movie I don't like. Hanging out with people I don't know. Want to spend a bit time alone with your best friend."

 

Seungri closed his eyes for a moment. He looked small, so much smaller than Youngbae in a way. So much more fragile and breakable.  "And I let you. Of course I let you. Even though I knew you were hiding something I just pretended not to know."

 

When Seungri opened his eyes again, his eyelashes were wet. "After two months I spoke to Jiyong-hyung. You know what he told me when I joked that he shouldn't take my boyfriend from me so often? He said he's barely seen you."

 

Youngbae had problems to swallow past the lump in his throat.

 

It all sounded so wrong. He didn't want to believe that he could ever cheat on anyone. Least of all Seungri. He didn't understand. How could he have done that? How could he have been such a horrible person? Just looking at Seungri like this, seeing him vulnerable and heartbroken and on the verge of crying; how could he have ever done anything that would cause this to Seungri? What kind of person did he become?

 

He stayed silent for too long, caught in his own nauseating spiral of thoughts. Seungri merely let out a strangled laugh that sounded closer to a sob than anything else. "It's okay, hyung. I know you don't remember and that's not your fault. But that doesn't mean I can just trust you again. Even if it's been my fault I can't just forgive you."

 

Youngbae couldn't believe what he was hearing. "How… how is this  _ your _ fault?"

 

"I don't know", Seungri shrugged, trying fruitlessly to look nonchalant, "maybe I was getting too boring in the end? Too noisy and obnoxious? Too clingy? I don't know. Maybe I just wasn't worth it after all."

 

Youngbae’s breath got stuck in his throat. Refusing to give him the pleasure of breathing when this, these words, these  _ thoughts _ were  _ his fault _ . He couldn’t even imagine what Seungri must be thinking. What questions he’d been asking himself if this were his conclusions. What questions Youngbae should’ve been able to answer but couldn’t. 

 

Yet, no matter what the other Youngbae had done, no matter how much of a stranger he was,- Youngbae wouldn’t allow this.  

 

_ He had to fix this. _

 

“You’re wrong”, he started, voice strong with emotion, “you’re worth so much. You’re worth e _ verything _ , Seungri.”

 

Seungri breathed in sharply but Youngbae wasn’t finished yet. “And I don’t care that I don’t remember because if I really did what you said,  _ fuck _ , if I really-… then I was wrong and I should’ve never done that to you.  _ Never _ . And it was  _ not _ your fault. Do you understand? It was  _ mine _ .”

 

Seungri looked at him the way a starving man would look at a poisonous apple. 

 

But then his expression sobered up. 

 

“Maybe. I don't know”, the next words stung like an arrow to the throat, “and neither do you.”

 

“Seungri-” he started but was interrupted before he even knew how to finish his sentence himself.

 

“No.” Seungri shook his head. Stern expression lined with deep cracks of agony all across his face. The soft features of the other weren't made to bear a look like that. And Youngbae still didn't want to believe he was the one who put it there. 

 

Desperation slowly filled up his lungs instead of oxygen. “Can't we, I don't know,  _ talk _ ?” 

 

The corner of Seungri's mouth twitched. “About what?”, he snapped, hard tone barely hiding the trembling in his voice, “The things you can't remember?” 

 

Youngbae's shoulders dropped. He wanted to give it one last try, stepping towards the other one last time because “Seungri please-”

 

Seungri didn't step back this time. He took a step forward. Another step. And another. Until he brushed right past Youngbae and stood in front of the closed practice room door. His back was turned towards Youngbae as he opened it.

 

“You're my hyung. You're my bandmate. And you're my friend, still. But nothing more. Not anymore.” 

 

The door fell shut like the last grain of hope through the shards of Youngbae’s heart. 

 

He slowly sank to the ground, the sound of the door still echoing slightly through the lonely practice room. He didn't know what to do anymore. He loved Seungri. But Seungri couldn't trust him anymore. And Youngbae still couldn't remember a single thing. 

 

So he did the one thing that was left. The one thing he always resolved to when nothing else seemed to make sense or when his life felt like it stood in front of an impossibly high wall. 

  
He closed his eyes, folded his hands together in front of his chest and, already in a kneeling position, started to pray. 


	4. Fate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, obviously this last darn chapter took longer to finish than I planned BUT! I'm finally done with it and I hope it makes up for the terrible stuff I put y'all and BaeRi through. Thank you all so much again for the continuous lovely comments, they kept motivating me to go on!
> 
> Therefore, without much further ado, enjoy reading!

Seungri didn't come visit him for the next two weeks. And Youngbae couldn't really blame him. He probably wouldn’t have visited himself either, if he were Seungri. Now that he knew, he was amazed that Seungri had even come to see after him so often at all. Because if he was completely honest with himself, he wasn’t entirely sure if he would’ve had the same strength if their positions were reversed.

 

Who did come visit him one day, however, was Seunghyun. With two bottles of wine and a knowing expression. 

 

It had been already quite late when Seunghyun had rang his doorbell. Of course, he'd first thought it to be Seungri with his heart leaping into his throat. So when he'd seen the other Seunghyun instead, he hadn't been quite able to hide his disappointment. 

 

Seunghyun didn't seem to mind, though. He just gave a sympathetic look before speaking.  “Can I come in?” 

 

Youngbae stepped aside, bringing up a more cheery expression now since he was still happy to see his hyung again. “Sure.” 

 

Seunghyun smiled at him and stepped in, walking right towards the living room. Youngbae followed, only stopping shortly in the kitchen to get two glasses. When he dropped down on the couch next to the older, the first bottle was already opened and Seunghyun was quick to pour each of them a glass. 

 

“Cheers.” they clicked their glasses against each other's and Youngbae took a sip. He surely didn't know a lot about wine but Seunghyun's taste was still as great as ever so he tried to enjoy it. 

 

“Hyung, is there a reason for you to visit me without announcement?” he asked after a while in which they'd just sat there, occasionally nipping on their wine. Or well, he was. Seunghyun had already downed his first glass and was pouring himself a second now. This time however, he took slower sips as well. 

 

“Actually, there is. I said I wouldn't get involved with this but I'm not very fond of seeing my dongsaengs suffer, either.” 

 

Youngbae's heart sped up a notch. “What do you mean? I'm alri-”

 

Seunghyun interrupted him easily. “I know about you and Seungri. We all do. Seungri asked us not to tell you out of reasons I honestly don't understand but he pleaded so earnestly that we agreed to keep silent about it. Judging by the way you were moping around in YG the last two weeks without him I'm pretty sure he told you though and something went wrong.” 

 

At the mentioning of his restless presence at YG’s studios and practice room, he felt his cheeks tint a light pink. It sounded like he was a heartbroken teenager.

 

Not that he wasn't heartbroken. Because he was. God, he was. But he'd like to think of his sad moping around as a tad more dignified than those of a high schooler’s. In the end, it probably wasn't, though. 

 

Seunghyun took another sip of his wine. “So what went wrong?” 

 

Youngbae sighed heavily. His shoulders dropped as he looked down into his still half-full glass. The red liquid just reflected his depressed face. “Well, he told me about our previous relationship as you said, hyung.” 

 

“And then?”

 

Youngbae closed his eyes briefly at the painful memory. “And then he told me I cheated on him and that he can't trust me anymore.” 

 

He didn't expect Seunghyun to groan and slap a hand over his face. Alright,  _ what _ ?

 

“Uhm, hyung…?” he asked rather unsure, eyeing the older. Seunghyun just sighed dramatically, drank the rest of his wine and almost slammed the glass onto the coffee table. 

 

“God, I can’t believe this. You’re idiots. Both of you. Cheating on Seungri?  _ You _ ? Youngbae you're probably the most loyal person anyone could  _ ever _ meet. Even just the thought is absolutely ridiculous!” 

 

“Well apparently not. I _lied_ _to him_ about where I went, hyung. For two months. Maybe more. And we had a really bad fight about it, too, apparently, before the whole accident.”

 

Seunghyun looked like he was close to face-palming again. “So  _ that’s _ what this has been about?  _ Really _ ? Alright, I see it had been high time I came in to set you kids right again.” 

 

Youngbae felt slightly attacked at the term, putting his glass down. “Hyung, I appreciate your concern but I really don't think you can do anything about-” 

 

He didn't finish his sentence as his voice halted into abrupt silence. Seunghyun had tossed him a box from out of his jacket's pocket. A very small, black, velvety looking box. “Hyung what-”

 

Seunghyun suddenly grinned at him like a child about to open his presents, wiggling his shoulders slightly. “Go ahead, open it.” 

 

“Uhm”, Youngbae took a cautious look at the box again, “I'm not exactly sure what this is hyung but you know we're just friends, right? I mean”, he looked up again with an alarmed expression, “we  _ are  _ just friends, right?” 

 

Seunghyun rolled his eyes. “I'm happy with Jiyong, thank you very much. Now open it already.” 

 

Youngbae opted to not comment on the first sentence. Not his business. And it wasn’t like he hadn’t sort of always known that anyway. Instead, he swallowed and slowly opened the box. Revealing a pair of uniquely crafted golden rings, the pattern of a different fingerprint engraved in each of them reflected slightly in the dim light. 

 

_ He'd been so giddy. The rings were finally done. It had taken him two months to find someone who could do it, to discuss everything and get a suitable fingerprint of Seungri without him noticing. He owed Seunghyun his liver for finding him the right person for his plans but it was worth it. They were  _ done _. They were  _ finished _ and he could finally,  _ finally _ propose to Seungri. He'd already planned it all in his head. A boat, well, a yacht, with just them and a romantic dinner while they would go down the Han River. Lights everywhere. Beautiful music playing in the background. He would woo Seungri from head to toe and make sure the only possible answer to his question would be a heartfelt  _ ‘Yes’ _. _

 

_ That was, until he came home that day.  _

 

_ “We need to talk.” was never a good sign but coming from Seungri it felt like a death sentence. And Youngbae's initial brilliant mood vanished like the flame from a candle in the wind.  _

 

Cheating. _ That's what Seungri accused him of with teary eyes, eventually. That Youngbae was cheating on him. It felt ridiculous. Unreal. He'd worked so hard for his surprise and  _ this _ was what Seungri was thinking? Didn't he trust Youngbae? How could  _ Seungri _ of all people  _ not _ trust him? _

 

_ He got angry. He said things he didn't want to say. Shouldn't have said. He wasn't shouting but it was close and Seungri had gotten cold in his own replies, harsh.  _

 

_ And then Seungri said something terrible. “Maybe the last three years have been a mistake.”  _

 

_ It hit too close, rendering Youngbae silent. A mistake? Was this really what Seungri was thinking about their relationship? Or was it just angry talking? He didn't know anymore.  _

 

_ The only thing he knew was, that he needed space. Lots of space. He needed to calm down and think and not say things he didn't mean and make Seungri say things he hopefully,  _ hopefully _ , didn't mean either. So he took his jacket, took his keys and told Seungri he'd be back later. _

 

_ Later came in the form of a car and the hospital. _

 

Youngbae nearly dropped the rings, eyes wide and heart hammering.

 

“Hyung, I remember the fight”, his voice was trembling with emotions, relief, shock, “I don't remember everything but I remember the rings. I remember bits of what we said. I didn't cheat on Seungri. I-I wanted to  _ marry _ him.” 

 

Seunghyun grinned at him widely. Refilling his glass with a pleased expression. “Yep.” 

 

Youngbae looked at the rings in awe now. Carefully taking the one out he assumed had Seungri's fingerprint on it. Ran his fingertips over the carved design before sliding it on. It fit perfectly. Adorning his hand like it shouldn't be anywhere else but there. 

 

His heart skipped in excitement. 

 

He looked up. “I need to go to Seungri! I need to talk to him and- and I need to set this right and I need to-”, he stopped, blinking realisation settling in.

 

The flat had been made for two people and now he knew  _ why _ . But if it wasn't his but  _ their _ flat, then where was Seungri now? 

 

Seunghyun elegantly sipped on his next glass of wine again. “You can find Seungri at Daesung's flat. He still has his own for appearance's sake but we didn't want to leave him alone after you couldn't remember your relationship with him anymore, so Daesung offered.” 

 

Youngbae didn't want to think about how terrible it must've been for Seungri to just leave their shared flat behind like that. Now he finally understood where that mysterious box had come from. Jiyong must have packed Seungri’s stuff for him back then when they’d come from the hospital so he wouldn’t notice. Because he’d still loved Hyorin, then. 

 

But now he didn’t anymore. Now he loved Seungri and he would do everything to get him back.

 

Belatedly he noticed what Seunghyun had actually said. “Daesung offered? Really? Why didn't you or Jiyong?” 

 

Seunghyun snorted into his glass. “Are you insane? That kid would touch all the artworks in our flat.”

 

Youngbae remembered the particular habit all too well, a smile crossing his lips. “Fair enough.” 

 

Seunghyun nodded, taking another sip before putting his glass down onto the coffee table. Then, he grabbed a piece of paper and a pen from the side of the table, scribbling something down. “That's Daesung’s new address. I'm sure if you ask him nicely he'll busy himself tomorrow so you can settle things.” 

 

Youngbae took the offered paper, reading over it carefully. “Thank you, hyung.” 

 

Seunghyun smiled warmly. “Just make sure you fix everything again. I can't stand to see you two so unhappy.” 

 

He nodded sternly before giving a smile himself. 

 

“I will.” 

  
  


The next day, Youngbae found himself in front of the described apartment. His hands were clammy with nerves, yet the consistent pressure of the velvet box in his trouser pocket somehow kept him grounded. At least until the door opened and Daesung looked at him with a smile.

 

“Hey hyung. It’s good to see you.” 

 

Youngbae tried to reciprocate the smile but felt that the corner of his mouth only twitched nervously. “It’s good to see you, too, Daesungie.” 

 

Daesung acknowledged the attempt with another, fainter smile. But then his expression turned serious. “Seungri’s in the living room. Be good to him he’s… not really well off at the moment.”

 

Youngbae nodded. Tried to ignore the uneasy turn of his stomach. “Thank you for looking after him.”

 

“Nothing to thank me for. He’s still my dongsaeng, after all.” and with that, Daesung turned around towards the interior of his flat. “Seungri? I’m out now, see you later.” he shouted inside before turning back to Youngbae. With a last smile and a little thumbs up, he walked out while Youngbae walked in, gently closing the door behind him.

 

A part of him wanted to run out of the apartment again right away.  _ What if it still won’t work out? What if Seungri doesn’t want to marry him? What if it’ll ruin everything? _ kinds of thoughts running through his mind. But another part, a much stronger part needed to fix this. Needed Seungri to know that he would never,  _ ever _ cheat on him. 

 

So he wiped his hands on his trousers. Set his shirt right. Wandering over the bump in his pocket with his fingertips one last time. And started to walk towards the living room.

 

Seungri didn’t look up from staring at a turned off TV when he entered the room. “Hyung, did you forget something?”

 

“Yeah”, Youngbae answered, watching how Seungri’s head snapped around towards him in shock, “but I remember it now.”

 

Seungri only stared at him and Youngbae looked back. Noted the way Seungri looked tired and a bit thinner than usual. Like he hadn’t slept or eaten well. Noted the unkempt hair and the baggy clothes. Belatedly, he realised Seungri was wearing one of Youngbae’s old hoodies. 

 

“Hyung what...”, Seungri finally started, looking small and forlorn and so unlike himself, “what do you mean you remember now? Do you-,... do you really?”

 

Youngbae sighed. Coming closer to the couch Seungri was sitting on. The younger scooted away, a bit more than might’ve been necessary to make room for Youngbae. But he couldn’t blame him. The faint hope in Seungri’s tone had mingled too much with fear for Youngbae to assume anything calm and easy in this conversation.

 

He wiped his hands on his trousers again after he’d sat down. “Some of it, I think. I still-. Well. If I’m honest I still don’t remember much about our relationship.” 

 

He felt bad watching Seungri’s face turn hopeless again, so he quickly added. “But I remember our fight. And I remember the weeks before it. Not-”, he cleared his throat, “not everything. But most of it. The important part.”

 

Seungri’s mouth twitched and he didn’t know what to make of it. It looked painful. “Hyung, you don’t need to do this.”

 

He blinked. “What?”

 

Seungri’s mouth twitched again and he finally realised that the other tried to smile. “It’s okay. Just be with whoever it is… that you want to be with. I understand. You don’t need to officially end anything anymore. There’s nothing-”, Seungri’s voice broke for a moment but he regained quickly, “there’s nothing to end anymore anyway.” 

 

The velvet box in his pocket pressed against his leg like hot iron.

 

“I’m not here to break up with you, Seungri.” he said earnestly. Looking right into Seungri’s eyes. Wanting him to  _ understand _ . “I’m here to  _ fix _ things.”

 

Seungri shook his head. “You can’t just fix things like that. Not when-”

 

“I didn’t cheat on you.” he interrupted, not looking away. “I didn’t cheat on you Seungri. I would  _ never _ cheat on the person I love.” 

 

Seungri’s expression cracked but didn’t fall. Not yet.

 

“Then what did you do?” Seungri asked, voice thin and careful and so unused to the hope threading through it despite everything. 

 

Youngbae’s heart was in his throat, so he tried to swallow it down a notch. Instead, he noticed his hands starting to shake and he entwined them tightly, looking down. 

 

He gave a nervous laugh. “To be honest, this is not how I imagined things to go”, he confessed, “like, at all. I wanted this to happen nicely. Make it a beautiful memory.”

 

He shook his head. “Now it’s, well. It’s not. Not really. And I guess it’s kind of my fault? I still don’t remember much. I don’t really know if I ever will.” He finally managed to look up to Seungri again. 

 

“I’m honest, I don’t remember a lot of our time together.” he admitted. “There are some blurry memories but I don’t know if I ever took you out on a date to that great Japanese restaurant in downtown Seoul. I don’t know if I introduced you properly to my parents and my brother as what you are to me or if you did that with me and your family. I don’t know if we ever went on vacation together or if we stayed indoors for a solid week and lived from takeout or if we have one of those kitschy couple albums together. I don’t know any of that.”

 

Youngbae couldn’t quite feel his fingers anymore but he felt his lips pull into a smile at his next words. “But I want it, Seungri. I want it  _ all _ . I want to share Sushi with you and have my mum and brother hug you tightly and I want to go shopping with you in a country nobody knows us in and I want to forget what the world outside looks like with you and I want to have a million pictures of your beautiful laugh.” 

 

There was warmth bubbling up in him from all those thoughts, running through him like liquid sunshine. He wanted all of those things, he knew that. All of them and more. “And the fact that I fell for you  _ again _ , despite not having  _ any _ memory about  _ anything _ just shows me that I was right about my decision the first time when I spend two months to prepare it.” 

 

He watched Seungri’s eyes widen, not yet in recognition but in breathless, stunning hope.

 

“And I know it’s just as right to decide on it again.”

 

He got up from his sitting position then, trembling hand pushing into his pocket to grab for the velvet box that had started it all and would end it now. With his breath held, Youngbae got down on one knee and opened the box with the two golden rings that had their fingerprints engraved.

 

“Lee Seunghyun, do you want to marry me?”

 

Seungri’s face cracked slowly at his words. Expression crumbling away and revealing his raw, bruised hope. Revealing his pain and suffering and misery. But also revealing how much he was in love with Youngbae. 

 

How much he was in love with Youngbae  _ still _ . 

 

In retrospective, maybe he should’ve expected it. Maybe a part of him actually  _ had _ expected it. However, expectation or not, Youngbae was far from prepared for Seungri’s answer when it came after an infinite moment of nothing. Mainly, because Seungri’s answer consisted not of words but of quite literally  _ jumping _ at him, bringing them both flat onto the couch. He might have protested because he nearly let go of the box in order to catch Seungri or that they could’ve hurt themselves falling off or maybe, that this position they were in really, really wasn’t all that comfortable. Or appropriate.

 

But before he could do any of that, he had a pair of lips firmly pressed against his own. And he certainly wasn’t going to complain if it meant he would have to interrupt that. 

 

Because god, this was, well, this was nice. This was good,  _ felt _ good; amazing,  _ perfect _ . Soft and warm and welcoming and  _ home _ . Sending butterflies through his stomach and up his spine, heart running a thousand miles a minute and everything was just  _ right _ . He never wanted to stop kissing Seungri.

 

However, it didn’t last as long as he’d hoped it would. 

 

“Bastard.” Seungri mumbled with a trembling tone against his lips and really, that wasn’t what he’d hoped to hear. Before Youngbae could protest, though, Seungri was kissing him again. 

 

“Fucking asshole.” Another kiss. “I thought you-, god.” And another kiss. “Fuck you.” Seungri didn’t kiss him a fifth time, instead burying his head against Youngbae’s shoulder. A suspicious sniffling noise rose from it. 

 

“Yes _of_ _course_ I want to marry you.” 

 

And Youngbae just closed his eyes for a second in complete bliss at those words. Tightening his arms around Seungri with a smile so happy it shouldn’t be able to stay on his face. Savouring the feeling of his heart beating so hard against his ribs, it felt like it would escape any second, Seungri in his embrace and the knowledge that everything was good now. That everything was fixed.

 

_ And that  _ this  _ certainly was a moment he never wanted to forget _ . 

 

But then he remembered the box in his hand and opened his eyes again, still smiling. “Can I put that ring on you now?”

 

A few more sniffling noises emerged from his embrace. “Not yet.”

 

Youngbae chuckled, squeezing the other. “Take your time.” 

 

And Seungri did, only giving a shuddering exhale against Youngbae’s shoulder after a while before eventually pushing himself up. Youngbae followed the movement so he was in a sitting position as well, Seungri on his lap. He looked at the younger then, arms still loosely wrapped around the other’s frame while he tried not to appear like the lovesick fool he was. But he couldn’t help it. Lifting his free hand to cup Seungri’s face, running a thumb over smooth skin. Admiring the man in front of him, now that he could. 

 

The familiar, fond tug at the corner of his lips was something he could do nothing about. He’d always been bad at keeping his affection for the other from showing anyway.

 

“Now?” he asked to distract a bit from it. Watching Seungri’s eyes going over Youngbae’s face before they looked down. A soft nod. 

 

And a mirroring smile. “Yeah.”

 

Youngbae let his hand fall from Seungri’s face and brought the velvet box between them instead. His hands were shaking slightly again with the excitement coursing through them as he took the ring with his own fingerprint on it out. Holding his breath, he slid it onto Seungri’s ringfinger.

 

It fit perfectly.

 

The light filtering in through the windows bounced off of the ring, tinting it a warm gold. It was beautiful on Seungri’s finger and an urge overcame him. So he lifted the other’s hand up, pressing it against his lips. Looking up into Seungri’s love-stricken face.

 

When he let go of Seungri’s hand, Seungri had already taken the second ring out of the box. The ring with Seungri's own fingerprint on it. And if his heart had been skittish before, then it didn’t know how to calm down now either, a hummingbird in the cage of his ribs.

 

The cool metal on his skin was sending sparks right through him as soon as it touched him. And when Seungri entwined their fingers afterwards, he smiled. 

 

He might still not remember everything about them. Might still not know a lot about their relationship at all. But he knew that he loved Seungri. Loved him enough to literally fall for him again, despite everything. And the fact that Seungri loved him, too, had been staying with him despite everything, was proof enough. 

 

This was the right decision. 

 

Even if the rings were only a formality, in the end. A promise. To never let go of each other but hold on. Like Seungri had held his hand back then, when he'd woken up in the hospital. Like Youngbae held Seungri's hand in return now and definitely didn't plan to ever let go again. 

 

A sudden idea came to his mind. Putting the empty velvet box aside on the floor without another thought towards it, he used his free hand to pull out his phone. 

 

Seungri only gave him a curious look as he snapped a picture of their entwined hands.

 

With a wink, he typed a short message before hitting ‘sent’. Seungri’s phone on the table gave an acknowledging hum. 

 

Seungri lifted his eyebrow. “What did you do?” 

 

He didn’t bother to answer, just turning his phone.

 

Revealing the picture he’d just sent into the BigBang group chat with a simple caption.

 

_ Who wants to be best men to my fiancé and me? _

  
Because who said that, just because he couldn't marry Seungri in Korea, didn't mean he couldn't marry him somewhere else in the world? 


End file.
